As if I needed to say more, right? Well, yeah. Kinda.
It’s a funny thing the way my mind works (and my grammar too; one post I’m “Stilted McGee” and the next I just let it run). Anyway, Monday I posted about my fierce intentionality to live well based on knowing that life has eternal meaning and significance, regardless of what I do with it. That assurance, of course, comes from Christ and my deeply held belief that we are all part of his ongoing, eternal narrative of redemption.
I still hold to that truth as I type this, but I think I did myself a disservice in my last post. Here’s the deal: On Monday, I said I was not very good at executing my plans or staying on task and reaching my goals.
Truth is, I feel that way sometimes. And sometimes it is, in fact, true.
But not always.
In fact, I have a fair amount of data to prove it. I have tracked my writing since 2012 (via excel timesheet since 2013). I kept a few years’ worth of workouts and weigh-ins. I held down two jobs for 18 months in 2007, and I’ve essentially been doing so again the last 12 months. And that’s just the stuff of which I’m aware off the top of my head. That’s intentionality in practice. That’s competent execution.
The reality of this didn’t hit me until Tuesday morning as I reflected on the post and if I really was as ‘incompetent’ as I claimed. I was convicted (that happens to me sometimes), because I think that was unfair–to myself.
I’m teetering on arrogance, here; I know. But this is a bit of a breakthrough for me, especially considering that I have evidence. And if I’m honest about that evidence, then my assertion about my ineptitude must be incorrect–at least in regard to some things. The truth is that I can set myself on a course and complete it. I know how to manage my time, set goals, and meet them, whether it’s regarding self-publishing, losing weight, memorizing Scripture, or submitting articles in a timely fashion for other publications). I can do these things; I have done them. Week-in and week-out, I am still doing them.
So what’s with the self-abasement all the time? Well, I think that’s going to be part of my inventory as I enter into the August tomorrow morning. Frankly, I think I have some answers–not all but enough to get me thinking. It may be equal parts false humility and actual insecurity; maybe it’s also having unreasonable expectations of not only myself but the way the world works. I don’t know really, and I’m honestly okay with that, cause it will give me plenty to consider throughout my last month of summer 2014–and that’s a summer project worth pursuing.
Thanks for indulging me this week; I know these have been a bit off the usual subjects, but writers do that.
Have a good one,