QUARTER DEBRIEF : April 5, 2018

MARCH 31, 2018 was the end of the calendar quarter. I tried to spend it using routines, going to therapy, and applying a variety of tools in order to better manage anxiety, get my emotions a bit more balanced, and overall improve the life of not only myself but my dear wife and son.

Bottom Line: The jury’s still out, but I feel like there’s real progress being made week-over-week. Further, I’ve had breakthrough’s of sorts that I think will yield compounded dividends in the calendar quarters to come as well as the years to follow.

If you want more details, feel free to read further:

BIG REVELATIONS FROM the First Calendar Quarter of 2018. 

1). If I want to truly flourish in the real world, I must refuse to compare my present self to my perceived past ideal or future selves. As long as I can remember, I have had delusions of grandeur. Dreamers are like that. BUT for me, these aspirations going unfulfilled have resulted in a real amount of self-loathing and regret based on my ideal self that may never have been attainable in the past and a preset or future self that I am not likely possible to become in the future. Now, this does not mean I’m in a despair spiral, or I do not think I can improve as a person. On the contrary, I believe my life has been improving and will continue to improve. in time, I will be become a better version of myself. The realization is that “The Better Version” is not going to look like the future ideal self I’ve demanded that I become, a self that likely could never manifest itself in the real world. And for the first time in a very long time, I am beginning to think that’s okay.

2). My wife and son are an immense blessing to everyone who knows me, for they keep me grounded, centered, and present. I know that some of my Christian readers may feel that God alone should be enough to fulfill that role for me, and they are not wrong in principle. However, the fact remains that in my present life; and frankly, for the past ten years, my dear wife has been arguably the main stabilizing presence in my life, without which I may have truly gone off the deep end in either direction—-full abandonment of the life of faith or full embrace of fringe Christian sects. The real truth is that she is a more practical and in some way wiser human being than I, and I owe her a great debt. These days, my son fulfills that role to some degree, too. Christ is my ultimate anchor, but I think he has tethered me to himself in more concrete way through my marriage and, now, fatherhood. I’m blessed to be in that position.

3). By abandoning the constructs of my ideal selves, both past and present, I have come to accept and begun to embrace my capacities in a more honest way that has provided me with renewed faith and hope. Now, that’s a fairly long-winded “CJ WAY” of saying, “I don’t think I possess all the natural skills, talents, and charisma I have long thought I possessed; but I believe our God uses the weak to show his own strength, and I believe he is not done with me yet.”  The above sentiment may seem like something I should have discovered in my twenties rather than my thirties, but I’m still going to treat it as a better-late-than-never win.

So, managing my anxiety, continuing in therapy, and spending time in reflection has led me to a much healthier place than I was at the close of 2017. I am learning to let go of the regret of never becoming an ideal version of myself that likely never could have existed. I am growing in love and appreciation for my bride and the stability her faithfulness has provided throughout our marriage. Finally, I’ve accepted that I will likely never reach the echelons of success I once expected of myself, but that does not diminish my inherent worth nor imply that I am of any less value to God or his Kingdom.

These are fairly good developments. Here’s to Q2!!!

Thanks for reading,

 

About C.J.:
Enjoy what you are reading??? Let’s connect. I'm currently on Instagram, LetterboxdFlickrTwitter, always as CJstunkard.

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