A Dilemma in Brief.

I know I keep stating in my weekly debriefs that I desire to post here more and become better engaged on social media. I continue to fail in both areas. I blame no one but myself, but I wanted to provide some context. This is a bit of a rant, but I just had to get the whirlwind of thoughts out of my head, and I figured this the place to do it.

 

Here’s the issue: I don’t know where and how to focus my online content, and all my attempts at synergy around myself have been pretty pitiful; therefore, I am stuck in a rut. I’ve begun to listen to a number of voices online, and none of them have a clear, obvious niche. They are just interesting folks saying insightful things, and people are listening because these ideas are worth considering.

I wonder if perhaps I’m not interesting. And perhaps I don’t have much insight.

The core realization I’ve had is that severe: My existence alone and the socially engineered sharing of it does not warrant being followed nor really bring benefit to anyone. That probably feels harsh. As it should. Why should anyone bother reading about my week-over-week personal progress, or care about what my family is doing, or find value in the fact that I enjoy action figures, even as I sprint toward the age of forty? They shouldn’t, really. Their lives are full of enough neuroticism without needing to deal with mine. Of course, that’s the great irony. If I were willing and able to position myself specifically as a voice providing hope despite personal anxiety, maybe I would have regular content worth reading. Maybe I would have something more valuable to share. But I am too afraid to position myself that way; I have too much pride to be that vulnerable. Perhaps then I deserve to remain unread and unknown; perhaps the very things I am afraid to say or too proud to admit are the very things that others would benefit reading. 

So where does that put me? I don’t know. That’s why this is a rant, and in a way that’s the point. If you visit here at all or you are tracking with me regularly, chances are you have wondered what it is I am really doing here on this little site. Some days I have no idea. Others I see it as a public journal of sorts, a chronicling my journey since moving from sunny So-Cal back to the East Coast. At first it was a reflective blog that was almost pastoral, then it became about writing and selling a book, then about building a well, and this year, it’s been a journey out of anxiety-ridden despair, but one that I have not explored here in a meaningful way that would make it worth following.

And that’s the rub: I need to begin generating content worth reading–honest content that benefits the readers of it. Somehow. What that content ought to be, I don’t know. But I am compelled to find it. I need to find it, not only for myself but those who may be blessed by it. Your guess as to what that is may be as good as mine, but whatever it is, I have to locate and embrace it.

Here’s to that next step, whenever I take it.

 

About C.J.:
Enjoy what you are reading??? Let’s connect. I'm currently on Instagram, LetterboxdFlickrTwitter, always as CJstunkard.