Full disclosure. I am not posting this while feeling the best about myself, and while I’m going to be a bit rough, I am not looking for pity, sympathy, or compliments. I’m just riffing on how I feel.
I don’t know even know where to start. I’m making some progress in my office, and I intend to post about it this week.
Of course, I had two other post intended to do last week, and I had something happen today I also intended to post.
So we’ll see what happens…
I also intended to release a second novel, and I intended to become a screenwriter, and I intended to revise and release a new version of Stronghold, and I intended so much else.
None of it is done.
My once-controlled hobby of toy collecting is now a second job on which our household is dependent to make ends meet, and the majority of my time not spent for my full-time employer or investing my wife and son is sorting toys, photographing toys, packaging toys, and buying toys so that I can do those things again and again. I have been constantly revising my process to try to make it more streamlined, but I am constantly fighting the war of spending less and getting higher returns even as fees increase and my time and energy are spent a thousand projects.
Sometimes when I sit and just think about the position in which I find myself—hustling like crazy on a secondary income to keep my family ahead of maxing out credit cards and still hitting all bills—I’m so disappointed in myself I can barely move. Some days I get so tired of my inner voice that I listen to music or watch a movie just for the din to cover over the silence that demands the truth.
The truth is that I am often embarrassed about who I am and how much I have failed do to what I intend and how hard I am working without making forward progress .My desk is always les tidy that I would like, my office always has more in it than I would like, and my to-do list always has more unfinished business than I’d like. And I have no one to blame but myself; no one in whom to be disappointed other than myself, and no where to place my anger other than myself.
And the saddest part is what actually brought this to the surface. This week, I was paid several compliments, and I had a difficult time believing them. And it seems like I can’t hear a compliment without fighting back tears. I don’t know why. Maybe it has to do with all this somehow, but I’m failing to really decipher that.
I am bringing a lot of new ideas to my job. But looking back, I’ve always had a lot of good ideas. But all too often I’ve failed to execute them, and the things I have executed have not had the results I expected or desired. I cannot let that happen at my job. I won’t–too many good, hard-working people need me to execute ideas consistently and well.
It’s a very difficult thing to look back on one’s life and realize how much unfinished business one has left on countless back burners over the years. It is a very hard thing. I don’t recommend it.
Rather, one should focus on the things he/she is trying to do now. For me, that’s not writing. It’s getting our credit card paid off, getting our car paid off, keeping the lights on, honoring my wife, raising my son, and working hard. I may have 1000 ideas which I failed execute. As much as I’d like to go back and hit all my goals in the timetables I set, I can’t. But I can drive it the ones that I have in place now.
That’s all any of us can do.
And maybe I can look back a year from now and have accomplished more than expected. Of course, I could also do less. Time will tell, as it always does.
Thanks for reading,